


Letter to Dean

by winchesterstupid



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Gen, Luis from the pilot but he’s gay, Pride Parades, Sam Winchester Knows, Sam Winchester is an ally, Sam Winchester's Friends at Stanford, Stanford Era (Supernatural), Stanford Student Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24566131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winchesterstupid/pseuds/winchesterstupid
Summary: Sam writes an email to his brother and then deletes it.Maybe he’s homesick, but you need a home for that.
Relationships: Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 42





	Letter to Dean

It’s June again, Dean.  
It’s been months since we last talked over the phone, and I’m pretty sure you were completely wasted. I’m not even mad because it makes sense. Living with Dad as long as I did, until I couldn’t anymore, of course it makes sense. If I had half the things you had to deal with on my shoulders I think I would be drunk every night too.  
I didn’t understand until recently, and it might be harsh, but I can’t really try to understand it any more. It might be harsh, but I’m living my own life for once and I can’t bring myself to care about your problems. That’s why I’m writing this email, even if I never hit send (and even if you don’t have an email account). I want to get it off my chest, out of my mind.  
So here it goes. There’s this friend that’s been making me think about you. He’s funny, he’s a hit with the ladies, and he’s not fond of authority figures. And recently Luis—that’s my friend, another one I haven’t told you about until now because you don’t care about my friends—he and his boyfriend are so happy together. I can hear you getting upset that this gay guy reminds me of you. But you shouldn’t get upset because you’re only getting upset at whatever part of yourself that you think you can kill with enough booze and enough blood and enough women. Luis struggled with all that too. Not the blood, really, but the repression or whatever you call it. The point is he struggled but he overcame it, and I don’t know, Dean, he just reminds me of you.  
You know what? I think you’d like college. People are happy here. People are normal here, and I don’t mean that like the bad word you seem to think it is. You could fit right in here, man. I know you well enough that I know you could fit in if you gave it a chance. Me, Jess, Luis and Laurence (that’s the boyfriend) went to a pride parade in the city, just a bunch of normal college kids. It wasn’t all “freaks in leather.” There were some people in leather, but they’re actually kind of cool if you can look past the nipple rings. Nobody was out of place in that parade. It was just a lot of happy people celebrating.  
It hurts me, Dean, it really hurts to know that you won’t ever let yourself celebrate because your job is never done. It hurts to know that you can’t have a life because all you have is the job. I swear to God I thought about you the whole time you were there and I knew you would hate that I was thinking of you like that, like one of them, when you try so hard to be monster-slaying beer-chugging ladykiller badass John Junior. I swear to God I couldn’t help it, Dean, because I knew if we grew up in a different world this wouldn’t be so difficult for you. Maybe if we grew up normal you could admit it, even if it was just to yourself.  
Dean—I’m not even sorry about the way things ended with Dad and me. I love everything about Stanford. It’s so freaking normal I wake up in the mornings thinking it’s a dream and that I’ve woken back up into that nightmare life. It’s such a relief to realize I’m free.  
The problem is that if I think about the way you wake up every day in that world, and the nightmare sticks, I can’t just pretend that all this normalcy is fine.  
So after I finish this email that I’ll never send, I’m going to stop thinking about you and Dad. I’m going to think about myself for once, and I really really hope you can do the same one day. That you can be free too.  
Happy Pride Month.  
Jerk.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you want more unsent emails.


End file.
